If you take a look at the bigger picture... AGH THIS IS SO EMO!

We couldve grown up as totally different people. Every single moment of our lives shapes who we are and what our future is. Whether we are a pop-star, a lawyer, or a hobo all depends on the crucial moments of now. Who we fall in love with is determined by proximity. What we are is all random. Its a combination of who we are born as and who we grow up to be. Life is full of possibilities but you only get to pick one path. Many people feel content with their lives. I am not one of those people. I wish for the earthquake to come so I can start over as a different person. I wish to go back in time and not be born at all. This is the life I have chosen. Why is it so hard to live? Everyone has their friends, their talents, and yet I have nothing. No one knows my name. There are positive things about that. I get to stay under the radar. No one would gossip about me. But it takes an emotional toll on the human mind. There is nothing more demeaning than having nothing to show for your life. No true accomplishments. All I need are friends, loyal, honest, friends. That is something that is rare today. I soon will break down as I am pushed over the brink of oblivion. I'm not willing to harm myself to get attention. Thats just stupid. Im not willing to be myself, because I would get critisized. There is always this voice in my head that tells me, "Stand up straight. You're not good enough, you'll never be good enough. You need to act. Improve your acting. Memorize. Achieve. Be praised. Get friends. Your clothes are wrinkled. Your diet is not balanced enough. You dont have enough friends. Nobody know you, you loser. You have nothing to show. Academics are not everything. Your grades are slipping. You dont accersorize enough. Theyre laughing at you in their heads. They think you are lying. They hate you unconsciously. They're annoying. You're annoying. Ditch them. Catch up. Your writing is horrible. Your knowledge of the world is not complete. You dont know your own self. They hate you, he hates you. He thinks youre weird. Your normal behaviour is off and your hair is sticking up. You cant do anything. You cant play guitar. You have to redecorate your room. Your life experience is not complete. You havent created a fallback plan for your jobs. You dont have enough eloquence. One of your legs is off by 5mm. Your nails have been upkept. You do not take enought care to your face. You cant carry a conversation. You're stupid and worthless. How pathetic. You dont even know who you are, do you? All of your classmates know your thoughts. They hate you. You are inadept. You are a failure."

I can ignore most of it but its still emotionally difficult. Am I schizophrenic? Maybe. Am I just paranoid. Maybe. But when I see the world from other's points of view, its just so hard to see who I really am. I need a slap in the face and someone to tell me. Sometimes I think that it would be better if I had a mental disorder, then everything would be fine. I could so something with my life. I want a physcologist. I need a psychologist. I want to have a life. Blame society for killing my dreams. Blame my friends for never being there.

If I had a split personality it would be one of a person who isnt afraid to be outrageously contridictive. But I already have a few. I dont lose my memory or stuff when I do that. I just am ... me.