Pre-valentines.

Last year, I would have been bubbly and cute and filled with joy.
Now I:
-hate love to the fullest extent
-cant bring myself to bubbly no matter how hard I try
-cant remember what it feels like to like a guy
-have gained weight
-must lose weight
-want someone to flirt with
-feel like shit.

My memories are reset.
I cant remember what it feels like to like someone or love someone or whatever the fudge it is. The psychological response system of this body has shut itself off. My love is down the drain. I cant remember shit about him or who he was or why I liked him. All that I know is that he was supposed to be very flawed.

Now I'm pacing back and forth trying to remember who he was or why I liked him or if I even told him I liked him.

My earlier blog entries dont give me a clue.

How is it that I can remember all of these plotlines, but not my OWN LIFE?

My imaginary prince seems far away in the kingdom of perfect.
Los Angeles dulls the spirit of the single person who hates every moment of their lives.
People are making out at every corner and people have sex behind buildings. I've seen it happen.

On Valentines Day, I request a call to arms.
Galleria. 14th. Be there.
<3
This author will.

And now another poem or ode or whatever the fuck it is that I write:

Bittersweet

Like neverending showers of salt in a downpour of vanilla.
Like chocolate, freshly unwrapped and swallowed.
Love is ephemeral and bittersweet.

A bubbly feeling.
Being drunk on it leads to insanity
and infatuation.
All that is remembered is lost.

Our hands touch for a fleeting moment
And electricity sizzles through the air.
Our eyes meet and melt into each other
A hurricane.
Our voices sing out like a song
that beats to the sound of our hearts

But thou is only existant in my mind
Life is never perfect that way
you cannot just waltz into love
for it is a race of the fittest and fair.

One moment in time,
I had realized.

I know nothing of this thing called love.
I knew nothing of what it was.
Grasping the feeling was impossible.
I have never loved.

That way I have never lost
and I have never felt defeat

TV shows and manga
and anime and soaps
Magazines and novels
and analyzing books.

All that I know
All that I have
Comes from a fabric of lies and doubt

Lying to myself that I know
So I will never have torture over it
Doubting the fact that it is real.

My heart beats still.
Stopping.
Because I dont know what love is.
I never have.

Surrounded by people wiser than I
Who have dealt with the pain of rejection
I delude that I have not.

Surrounded by people with admirers
or admiration
Makes one extremely depressed.

Aimlessly wandering a souless life
Waiting for the other half
The other half invisible
A needle in a haystack I darent venture

The whole world spinning
I fell.
Love went ahead and skipped me.

Never the right place, right time.

Looking into the mirror
I doubt my existance
Pushed out of the way.

Love is a luxury for those who recieve it.
A luxury, I am capable of living without

Holding out for something...

Something better, deserted in the dust.

-Juliet